Koo-Koo for Koosala

The undercooked prawns
Quickly cause gastric distress,
But you get the blame.

-Disheartened diner

I had a cabbage epiphany, a slaw about-face standing in my kitchen mindlessly flipping through a cookbook one early summer afternoon. Like most conversion stories I was ready, soft beam of light focused upon me--underneath the surface, changes gently mounting for months before. I had wastefully spent years of my youth snubbing befuddled and undignified sops of cruciferous matter benched on the side of my plate segregated within its own shallow saucer. I hardly felt bad about it, while its presence seemed required at every barbeque, picnic or party centered on a buffet table, I have never seen anyone fawn or fuss over koolsala.

But Vegetarian Planet by Didi Emmons had me rethink this salad which I spent years avoiding. Super sized tubs of macaroni salad, coleslaw, and potato salad, the holy trinity of deli sides daubed with a yellowish film greasy and aged, never did much to excite me. Nor did the milky pool of humiliation which surrounded and suffused shreds of wilted cabbage and carrot arouse much more than sympathy. Can anyone eat something looking so pitiful and forlorn? Shall we burden the dish further with the factual reality that cabbage is both relatively inexpensive and durable and a quick rumble with a pair of uncouth hands translates into crude cheap chew?

A pickle slice draped
Across its curvaceous peak
Fails to seduce me

-Loveless and lonely

Emmons explains that coleslaw liberated from its cloying mayonnaise base is a wholly different and exciting breed. Her suggestion is to lighten up the dressing and think outside of the Brassica oleracea box. Consider-- a heavy handed dose of mayonnaise is about as becoming as showing up on a date with a face thickly covered in cold cream. Interesting initially perhaps, but quickly the mask obscures and finally detracts, leaving the other party uninterested and more than a little indifferent. Yet a romp with a light brisk dressing, a splashy shimmer of oil, lime juice and herbs conveys a more liberal and carefree tone. It might be equivalent to wearing a thin sheer bodysuit, inviting and revealing the shape and taste underneath.

In this Dionysian spirit, the color, taste and texture of ingredients is celebrated and glorified: radiant ribbons of radicchio bewitch a glad celebration of carrot confetti infectious with the charismatic crunch of jicama dancing the lively tango with ruddy red cabbage. Plucks of caper, jots of parsley, mint and chive, and a slow pucker whine of lime, festive little party favors entangled within this veritable vegetal jubilee.

And the enjoyment is contagious. First the making of slaw is artful improvisation at its best. A food processor fitted with a shredding blade literally makes the process almost too quick to digest. I would actually recommend saving it for at least your third time, so that you can properly sink into the hypnotic ribbon making rhythm. Select your most beautiful bowl preferably low, wide, and broad like a pair of generous welcoming arms. Equip yourself with a heavy sharp knife, steady cutting board and all the colorful crisp vegetables that strike your fancy. Remember a little goes a long way, particularly when it comes to hacking something solid into a bunch of bits.

Size matters. This absolutely translates into texture, mouth feel and how the dressing distributes over the ingredients. The difference between a cabbage strip one-quarter of an inch thick, an eighth, or a sixteenth is considerable. Hair thin cuts gives an admirable crunch but with a delicacy that enables the diner to work less for their meal. All focus can then be applied towards taste and appreciation, effort to a minimum. I pay attention to length- too long and pieces dangle distractedly out of one’s mouth, too short and the vegetable becomes a stub which is decidedly too inelegant to be considered. I also shy away from cubes which is better suited for a toy box rather than this salad.

After all of this fancy knife work is completed and a small colorful mountain remains, it is time to consider the dressing. I have found that this is a time to amplify the intensity; the hard vegetables can handle it. In fact they need it. Of course you can fall back upon a simple mustardy balsamic dressing, but I encourage you to explore and own your slaw. I actually like to whirl mine up in a blender, taste and tweak style. I am particularly fond of blurring up jalapeno, cilantro, mint, shallot, fish sauce, lime juice, brown sugar, apple juice and oil. After the dressing passes the taste test, drizzle all over the slaw, toss and wait.

By now you might be breathless from excitement: the relaxed but concentrated chopping, the artful dressing composition, the slivers luxuriating, steeping and in fact beautifying within its marinade. This salad is irrepressible joy and shiny health- I have yet to serve it to a friend without at least a mini slaw conversion occurring. To boot, it is addictive. I end up sneaking it into omelets, sandwiches, and on top of soups and salads, even colorful hanks as a snack. Don’t be surprised if it steals the show from your main course. It is a magnificently easy way to eat your vegetables and beautify your world at the same time. Who knows you just might become a little koo-koo for Koolsala too.

Make-Your-Own-Coleslaw: I hope this doesn’t provide too much grief to just produce a list. I guess when it came down to it, I had a hard time deciding which type to write down, so I let you decide. I tend not to use much more than 4 ingredients for the slaw. The dressing I tweak a bit, depending on the mood, a little sweet one day, more savory the next. It is all unscientific, adding a bit more of what is needed. Just dress little by little like a regular salad (no big puddles) and let it rest for at least two hours. The list is meant to broaden the scope beyond the typical cabbage, apple, carrot, mayonnaise, vinegar and mustard. Just cut as thin as possible and dream up the possibilities. Fennel, pear, red cabbage and golden raisin? Celery, radicchio, jicama and blue cheese? Green cabbage, apple, snap peas with a curry dressing?

Possible Slaw Fixings:
Green cabbage
Red cabbage
Radicchio
Fennel
Celery
Celery Root
Carrot
Apple
Pear
Sugar snap peas
Asparagus
Jicama
Water Chestnut
Bean Sprout (avoid alfalfa which tends to get soggy)
Scallions
Basil, mint, parsley, cilantro

Dressing:
Olive, flax, grapeseed, walnut oil
Balsamic, apple cider, champagne vinegar
Dijon, honey mustard, wasabi
Shallots
Garlic
Apple juice
Honey, maple syrup
Tamari, fish sauce
Lime juice, lemon juice, pomegranate molasses
Peanut butter, avocado, coconut milk, yogurt, mayonnaise (a spoonful can give the right body sometimes)
Jalapeno
Curry powder

Toppings:
Capers, chopped olives, toasted coconut, sesame seeds, currants, blue cheese